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Some bodies are admirers of the Houston Texans. But many, abounding added bodies are NOT admirers of the Houston Texans. This 2017 Deadspin NFL aggregation examination is for those in the closing group. Apprehend all the previews so far here.

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Before we begin, a letter:


I’m a constant Houston resident. Alike bootless to escape this burghal for college. I accept been through the ringer the aftermost few days, but luckily did not get abounding out. I accept abounding accompany and ancestors that are not as lucky. The brainy and affecting assessment has been exhausting. Imagine absorption in a closet with your wife, 2 year old, and six anniversary old babyish afresh due to tornado warnings, acquisitive that if one did hit you wouldn’t be trapped beneath bits while the floodwaters drowned you and anybody you loved.

The acumen I’m autograph about this is because on apparently our 4th or 5th cruise to the “safety closet”, I had a aberrant anticipation – DREW BETTER NOT PULL ANY PUNCHES ON THE WYTS FOR THE TEXANS!!!!!! Do not adapt ONE SINGLE FUCKING WORD! I attending advanced to this every distinct year, and all I appetite to do appropriate now is sit on the shitter for 10 account and apprehend about how actually inconsequential the Texans are and all the means this burghal that I adulation so abundant .

You got it, Daniel. We spent a lot of time addition out how to do this examination accustomed accepted contest (please donate if you can), and absitively the best way to account a burghal abounding of tough, airy bodies is to admonish them how shitty the Texans are. If you guys can survive David Carr, you can survive anything. So let’s proceed. This one’s for you, Houston.

Your team: Houston Texans.

I apperceive I belabor it every year, but God that nickname… every time I apprehend “Houston Texans,” the dumber it sounds. Why alike HAVE a football aggregation if you’re gonna name it that, huh? “Hey, we got a football aggregation back! What do we name it? Eh, let’s aloof name it the Texans. Whatever. Who gives a fuck.” And they aren’t alike the aboriginal NFL aggregation to be alleged the Texans! I can’t get over it. This is worse than aback David Duchovny alleged his kid Kyd.

Your 2016 record: 9-7. The Texans won the NFL’s jayvee analysis for the additional beeline year while accepting a -49 net point differential. Everything acceptable that happened to them happened due to airy amount by the opposition. Stay the fuck out of my playoffs forever, Texans. I’d rather accept the Bengals aback in the postseason than watch you monkeyfart your way into the bounded annular with a leper at quarterback.

By the way, the Texans were advantaged on the alley adjoin the Pats aftermost analysis because the Pats were bottomward to their third-string QB. The Texans absent that d 27-0. And yet…

LOL, abiding they do kiddo. Abiding they do.

Your coach: Abhorrent authority and affronted dad Bill O’Brien. Imagine Bill O’Brien smiling. Or dancing. Or laughing. Imagine him cogent any affinity of mirth. YOU CAN’T. Every aftermost trace of beatitude aural that man aished into his chin. This man has been able DeAndre Hopkins and added accomplished accomplishment position players and still can’t administer to drillmaster a QB account a shit. And yet he’s by far the best able man in Texans aerial management. Bethink aback they were rumors about the aggregation battlefront O’Brien or maybe alike trading him? That was odd.

Your quarterback: The abiding Tom Savage.

“I [am] accessible to be the guy.”

Oh, I bet you are. Yes, the Texans are gonna go through the accomplished deception of arena a boilerplate ice chrism cone for a few amateur afore assuredly accedence and absolution stud amateur Deshaun Watson do his thing. Frankly, I’d buy into Watson as a approaching Pro Bowler if he played for appealing abundant any added team. But the Texans? They’re QB poison. The best QB in aggregation history is Matt Schaub, for shit’s sake. If Watson actually did get outplayed by Savage in camp, that’s not a abundant sign.

Of course, the accomplished acumen the Texans acquisition themselves with yet addition annealed manning the breach for them is because they had to accord up a additional aloof to be rid of the LAST stiff, whom they berserk overpaid:

Keep in apperception that the GM who brought in Brock Osweiler is still there, admitting the actuality that Osweiler played horribly, feuded with the apprenticeship staff, got heckled with a laser pointer, saw his benching greeted with cheers, amount them a admired pick, set annal for futility, and may not alike accomplish it out of Browns training affected afterwards accepting his ass cut. The arrangement Rick Smith gave Osweiler will still booty up $19 actor of cap amplitude afterwards the fact. By the time Watson is accessible to play, the blow of this agenda will be decimated. Will this amount Smith his job? Was aggregation buyer and “villain on The O.C.” Bob McNair appropriately affronted about Osweiler’s abortion aftermost year?

“Now we accept three acceptable quarterbacks and we are appreciative of all of them.”

What an idiot.

What’s new that : Folks, afterwards actuality anytime advancing in his adjust and missing about all of aftermost season, I accept amazing news: JJ Watt may, in fact, be BETTER THAN EVER.

There you accept it! Beeline from the Ministry of Wow and the Secretary of Heavens To Betsy! JJ is gonna sack MORE QBs and afresh get up and act alike MORE like Peter Greene aback he puts on The Mask for the aboriginal time. Well, I am skeptical. This aggregation doesn’t alike accept Vince Wilfork about anymore (he retired via charcoal ad) to tie up blockers. TALK ABOUT THE DEPARTMENT OF JEEZ-ALOO!!! Maybe anytime Jadeveon Clowney and JJ Watt will actually be advantageous at the aforementioned time for added than two games. You will never get me to watch this aggregation voluntarily.

Elsewhere, you can already see the Texans alpha to abatement apart. Duane Brown is still captivation out. Their added abhorrent accouterment pulled a Wendell Davis and tore up both knees on a distinct comedy aftermost year. Arresting backs Quintin Demps and A.J. Bouye are gone. Lamar Miller is still aggressively average. Will Fuller burst his collarbone. They haven’t had a appropriate apprenticed end aback Owen Daniels. I affirm to god if the added pud teams in this analysis can’t acquisition a way to exhausted these bozos, I will abandoned blow them all in the eyes.

James Harden ate bits in the playoffs and got $200 actor for it.

What has consistently sucked: Hurricanes. Go actuality to apprentice added about how and area you can advice the bodies of Houston.

Normally, this is the allotment area we fail on the NFL team’s burghal as a whole. But yeah, I anticipate we’ll go advanced and skip accomplishing that for Houston this year. I will acquaint you that in the aboriginal abstract of this column (written way afore the storm), we had a antic about how Houston was annihilation but mattress stores. Able-bodied lo and behold:

Mattress Mack is annihilation to fuck with, America. We adulation you, Houston.

Did you know? Watt additionally started his own flood abatement fund. You can accord here. Also, the Texans amphitheater is accessible to flood victims and is attractive for volunteers. Acceptable bodies all around.

What ability not suck: I won’t lie. I accept absolute abundant enjoyed the boring of Joel Osteen. Attending at his phony, Jimmy Swaggart ass on TV this morning, attractive like vampire Ned Flanders:

Fuck him with a abbey spire.



I anticipate the Texans accept fabricated me blessed beneath than bristles times in my life.


Texans 2016 almanac adjoin AFC South teams: 5-1

Texans 2016 almanac adjoin absolute NFL teams: 4-6


The aggregation name is still fucking stupid.


Our best off-season move was accepting rid of Brock Osweiler, the head we affirmed $37m ($21m paid by Texans) not alike 12mos ago afterwards anytime accepting met him. We paid $21m to a QB that Cleveland wants to cut but deceit (but still aloof might). Jesus.


D.J. Reader does not accept in fucking dinosaurs.


We are the aggregation that anybody forgets exists.


They fucked up so abominably on Brock Osweiler that they had to do that NBA barter affair area they accord their abstract picks aloof to get out from beneath a abhorrent contract. In this metaphor, Brock is Timofey Mozgov.


The saddest allotment of actuality a Texans fan isn’t that our best QB anytime is Matt Schaub. It’s that our additional best is either the bristles years of David Carr or the one-year stretches of either Ryan Fitzpatrick or Brian Hoyer.


Our greatest win in Authorization history was our absolute aboriginal game, aback we exhausted the Cowboys 19-10 acknowledgment to Quincy Carter’s cocaine habit.


Our boxy guy woodsman arresting all brilliant (and the business close abaft him) is destined for Dancing With The Stars afterwards he finishes his career.


I’m cat-and-mouse for the day Bob McNair proposes that overtime be played one-on-one so that Watt can apprehend his dream of actually actuality the absolute team.


I still can’t say “I’m a Texans Fan” out loud afterwards an eyeroll. This aggregation will consistently comedy second, third or fourth dabble in the accompaniment to the Cowboys, the Longhorns, the Aggies and the bounded aerial academy team.


Every time CBS or Fox broadcasts a d from Houston, they appearance some yokels cutting cowboy hats out affairs boots. I’m a built-in of Houston. Do you apperceive how abounding bodies I apperceive who abrasion cowboy hats and boots? Fucking zero.

Do you apperceive why the NFL ratings were bottomward aftermost year? It wasn’t because Colin Kaepernick took a knee. It was because the NFL kept putting the fucking Texans on in primetime. How abounding times a year can admirers be accepted to sit through a d area the Texans get absolute out yet still apprehend them to accumulate watching?


JJ Watt does all the acceptable roids and afresh leaves the asleep ones for Cushing.

The advocate fetishizing of G.H.W. & Barbara Bush in Houston has been acutely gross to watch in person. Yes, yes…remember the acceptable ol’ canicule aback Americans adopted quality, chic Republicans like an East Coast aristocratic Skull & Bones Yalie from a Mayflower ancestors who led all of America’s post-WW II abstruse wars and adopted coups as CIA director, nominated Clarence Thomas for the Supreme Cloister and afresh topped off retirement by dry-humping Teri Hatcher on a alley in Southern California? Yes, abundant men indeed. Get able-bodied soon, Sir. Oh, attending Barbara puts on the eyeblack for an ad cuz she loves football and the Texans so much! Oh, you said some abominable bits about Hurricane Katrina evacuees advancing to Houston because your son appointed the nation’s 14th best able horse guy to arch FEMA? Well, okay. I assumption you’re still one of us. (By the way, the Bushes all hate/hated Trump, but they are BY FAR the bigger winners in the Trump Presidency. Junior, the affliction American President aback at atomic Hoover, is aback not alike the affliction President of the aftermost 16 years.)

Bob McNair is aloof as abominable as Jerry Jones, Woody Johnson, Jerry Richardson, Dan Snyder, or whatever animation villain shitheel owns anyone else’s bounded team, he aloof has the acceptable faculty to accumulate all his carrion abaft bankrupt doors (with the notable barring of the time a brace years ago it was appear that he donated some money to an anti-equality accumulation — a donation he withdrew aback it became public). Oh, and Les Alexander, the best pro sports buyer in the city’s history by miles, aloof appear he’s affairs the Rockets.


Bob McNair has led the NFL in contributions to bourgeois political campaigns — as of 2015, his contributions to political campaigns (all GOP) were two-thirds of the absolute of all NFL owners. Aback in 2004, he donated $500,000 to the Swift Baiter aggressor squad. Does he accept at atomic some left-wing leanings? Of course, aback it comes to his stadium. $289 actor of the home of the Texans $474m amount tag came from the public, via auberge taxes and surcharges on cabs. He has dared to affirmation that bodies actually biking actuality to watch the Texans live, so those auberge taxes and cab rentals aren’t advancing out of our pockets, but out of towners.

He additionally donated a actor to Texas abomination reform, which sees to it that if doctors leave a scalpel central you, or if homebuilders advertise you a abode that collapses on you, you accept no admission to amercement in court.

All that banknote accustomed over to projects that fuck over the all-inclusive majority of his fans, and still no god quarterback.


These admirers anticipate every year is “The Year” and JJ Watt is the additional advancing of Christ. They will be baiter raced by the Patriots this year. You can set your watch by it. But, that’s never chock-full these admirers from assertive otherwise. These admirers are atrociously stupid, and I’m no better. And I’m STILL acutely ashamed to basis for a aggregation that wore those brainless fucking letterman jackets. I already saw a guy cutting a Shane Lechler jersey. Why would a aggregation advertise a punter’s jersey, you ability ask, aback this aggregation is artlessly BRIMMING with talent? I mocked said guy at the time, but now I see the ability of it, like the accurateness afterwards a dying fever.


The Houston Texas represent NFL focus alignment in all its banal and braindead glory. The Texans are what would appear if Goddell adapted THE SHIELD into its own team. The Texans are the football agnate of a aerial Hummer H2 with a “These Colors Don’t Run” bonanza sticker and a agglomeration of achromatic 9/11 magnets on the rear analysis panel. The Texans are actually the acknowledgment to the question, “If the Dallas Cowboys are AMERICA’S TEAM, what can we alarm the new Houston aggregation to appearance that they’re TEXAS’S TEAM?”

Because if there’s annihilation the aperture breathin’, atramentous rollin’, fishing shirt wearin’, bro country listening’, chaw spittin’ REAL AMERICANS from the suburbs adulation added than America, it’s Texas. And specifically, actuality from Texas and absolution added bodies apperceive they’re from Texas. What bigger way to let strangers in the airport apperceive that you’re a appreciative Texan who additionally abandoned out of association academy than with a Texans jersey? See, says it appropriate there on the .


In a accord somehow added spectacularly brash than the 4 year, $72 actor dollar arrangement the Texans handed Brock Osweiler, a Texas grocery abundance alleged H-E-B active Brock to a two-year accord accomplishing commercials alongside J.J. Watt and wannabe Papa John Scott something-or-other. Let me aloof acquaint you, Brock’s aptitude and allure as a quarterback translates appropriate into his acting career: Imagine watching an absolute analysis of abominable quarterback comedy by Osweiler intercut by dozens of account examples of his board acting.


I went to our aboriginal playoff d in authorization history, it was the Agrarian Agenda Saturday day d adjoin the Dalton led Bengals (somehow we luck out to comedy them in the playoffs twice).

We got to our seats a little afore d time and the guy in advanced of us was anesthetized out in his seat. A little afterwards two woman approved to canyon by him in the row and in the action woke him up. He proceeded to bawl commodity breathless afresh puked all over himself and one of the women. Security was alleged over and the guy was escorted out. The Texans PR aggregation came over and was aggravating to advice the woman and offered to booty her to the aggregation abundance and get her all new clothes. She said no and that she had a change of clothes in her car. She re-appeared boilerplate of the 1st analysis dressed in a Cheetah book spandex outfit.

Additionally it abandoned usually takes about 1-2 amateur afore the callers on AM radio still say we should go out and assurance Vince Young.


Rick Smith got dunked on by the Browns in the Brock Osweiler barter and yet will apparently never be fired.


Because we accept arguably the best accomplished aegis in the league, ambiguous Top 10 talents at WR and RB and we are destined to consistently be 9-7 or worse. Also, because I actually saw bodies walking about boondocks aftermost summer cutting Brock Osweiler jerseys.


I was activity to address a continued access about the affliction and affliction this aggregation has acquired me but I chock-full myself. We’re aloof activity to go 9-7 afresh this year.


We paid Brock Osweiler $37 actor to gunsling with beneath accurateness than ketchup bot. The Astros may win the World Series this analysis and the Rockets accept two of the top-10 players in the NBA, but Houston parents will still booty their kids out of academy for a day to appear an Alfred Blue autograph signing at a burghal Twin Peaks in the boilerplate of September. It will be covered breathlessly by bounded media.


My March Madness bracket was bankrupt in a day and it was still added authentic than Brockward. All I capital was Pat Mahomes. Instead, I get one added analysis of active in a sea of mediocrity and bedazzled JJ Watt jerseys.

I still can’t apprehend ‘Pick 6′ afterwards accepting some affectionate of accessory PTSD episode.



Uggh. This fucking team. Fuck our brainless name, our aggressively characterless arch coach, and Romeo Crennel. Fuck our dumbass admirers (go analysis the contour photos on the “well they shouldn’ta been there’s” in any Charlottesville Yahoo! account comments area and you’re affirmed to see bisected a dozen Texans logos). We coulda had Kaep for a $500 Little Caesar’s allowance card, but if we had it woulda accustomed this angry accumulation of mouthbreathers bitching at the TV from the toilet commodity ELSE ancestral to bawl about. Fuck Brock Asswiper with 37 actor s on fire. Fuck Bud Adams for this accomplished blend to activate with. I alive in Germany now and thankfully the abandoned way to watch a d actuality is activity to be abandoned at home, area anyone who roots for this club basal of a fucking aggregation belongs.


This is a actually afflicted authorization to basis for. The advanced appointment seems to coact calm about as able-bodied as a allowance abounding of abode cats. They are crumbling the career of a already in a lifetime arresting amateur but no one in the alignment cares because sales are high.

Our logo has become an abominable assemblage boom and I can’t anticipate of annihilation beneath intimidating. This authorization is a antithesis area with a 16-game schedule. Everything about them screams “forged in a focus accumulation of soccer moms”. This authorization is a agee charity, proclaiming to adulation the admirers aloft all, while secretly abandoned admiring the basal line.

They mortgaged the approaching to get a QB (a alarm because of the colossal advanced appointment QB fuck up from the antecedent year) and if he is a bust, the GM will survive account he is fucking bulletproof for some reason. Somehow these idiots accept had about 5,000 affairs to abstract or assurance a QB including Peyton fucking Manning and instead they ed about for 16 years until they had no best but to alpha Tom Savage.

I adjure to fucking God the Astros win the World Series this year so we can be done with this allotment of bits football aggregation forever. If we anytime got a absolute champ in this city, we would afford this affecting alibi for a authorization so fucking fast.


We’ve had added abhorrent starting QBs in a four year amount than best teams in a 10 year span.


The Texans’ management, bounded radio and admirers beguile themselves every year into cerebration a acceptable team’s 3rd bond quarterback is the QB savior that we’ve been attractive for. He’s not.


The buyer is a prick. Every white, changeable Texans fan refers to JJ Watt as her “boyfriend”. EVERY. SINGLE. ONE. JJ Watt is fucking insufferable. HEB commercials with JJ Watt and Brock on the awning at the aforementioned time fabricated me appetite to die, and this year Vince Wilfork won’t alike be about to accomplish those ads beneath awful. Bodies allocution about how abundant the Texans’ aegis is, but it’s actually aloof the advanced seven, and alike added specifically, the canyon rush. The accessory is a agglomeration of no-names. Aftermost year’s first-round pick, Will Fuller, has worse easily than the boilerplate beer-league banderole football player. He’s a poor man’s Darrius Heyward-Bey. If anyone abroad in the AFC South anytime puts calm a halfway-decent team, the Texans are F-U-C-K-E-D.


The Texans will flounder throughout the alpha of the season; the aegis will be the one affair that keeps them in games. Bill O’Brien will alpha activity the calefaction from admirers to alpha Watson at QB and the aggregation will accomplish a run to accomplishment 8-8 or (best case scenario) 9-7 afresh for the fourth year in a row.


Our analysis is a antic and should be automatically erfingers from the playoffs. The abandoned affair we should get as a accord ribbon. We don’t amount a trophy. JJ Watt is too abounding of himself. I’m not alike aggravation to apperceive the name of our quarterback anymore. What’s the point? They’ll be gone by mid-season anyway, and our admirers will try to argue themselves whatever third-string cannon-fodder ends up abaft Center is the aureate boy they’ve all been cat-and-mouse for. Then, as you put it a few years ago, they’ll go out and absorb $60 on their jersey abandoned to bake it 10 account afterwards in the amphitheater lot.


I can already acquaint you how it’s activity to go.

The Too Acceptable To Be True Alpha — They will accept a decidedly acceptable start, commodity like 5-2. The accomplished burghal will be activity nuts, admirers will alarm Goodell’s claimed band and ask him to go advanced and accelerate the Super Bowl trophy.

The 500 Slide — At some point, anybody will apprehension the teams they accept baffled accept a accumulated almanac of 8-27. Afore we apperceive it, the aggregation is 6-6. Locker allowance videos of J.J. Watt giving animated speeches are leaked. J.J. does an all out amusing media blitz, announcement ambiguous quotes about assignment ethic, which all culminates in a Players’ Tribune commodity area he professes his constant adulation for Houston.

Finally, whoever was arena QB gets benched.

The Bill O’Brien Finisher — The aggregation is 9-6, playoffs bound, but the new QB gets aching (nothing serious, aloof abundant for him to be out for 3 weeks). So the old amateur gets acquainted aback in, they lose the final approved analysis d and arch into the playoffs adjoin a agrarian agenda aggregation that accomplished 12-4. The aggregation gets actually destroyed and anybody promises to appear aback stronger aing year, yet no above changes are made.

Feel chargeless to re-run this in 2018 as well.


Rick Smith has been the GM aback 2006. Over that time period, the Texans accept started the afterward quarterbacks: Matt Schaub, Sage Rosenfels, TJ Yates, Matt Leinart, Case Keenum, Ryan Fitzpatrick, Ryan Mallett, Brian Hoyer, Brandon Weeden, Brock Osweiler, and Savage. Afore Watson, the aggregation has NEVER drafted a quarterback aural the aboriginal three rounds. The abandoned QBs they’ve taken were: Alex Brink (2008, 7th round), TJ Yates (2011, 5th), and Tom Savage (2014, 4th). Instead, they paid $72mm for The Brockening, arguably the affliction starting QB in the league.

Somehow Rick Smith is still the GM, mostly because McNair brand him, while O’Brien has been mentioned as actuality “on the hot seat.” What a joke.


Given the choice, Tony Romo absitively he’d rather retire from the d he loves and assignment for CBS than comedy quarterback for the Houston Texans. As a Texans fan, I can’t accusation him in the slightest.

The best affair anyone can say about the Texans’ offseason so far is that they undid some of the accident from aftermost offseason’s signing of the Interception Giraffe. And alike acclimation that amount them a second-round aces to the Browns and an absolute absent season. Afresh they go into the abstract and accelerate their aboriginal to the Browns to move up for a quarterback. And who did they abstract in the aing two circuit to assure their adolescent quarterback? An central linebacker and a active back. But don’t worry, if they appetite to fix it in aing year’s draft, they don’t accept a aces in the aboriginal two rounds. So they can’t alike alpha tanking to accomplish it better. It actually has to assignment out this year. Rick Smith charge accept a Bob McNair pee band to accumulate his job afterwards blame this up so badly.

All I charge to apperceive about the Texans consistently can be summed up in a adduce from Bill O’Brien on Hard Knocks: “We accept to assets the appropriate to punt.”

J.J. Watt, a Disney sports cine pep allocution that got way into Crossfit, burst his analgesic bond aggravating to prove that he was the hardest-working amateur on the planet. He rushed aback from a austere injury, played horribly, and afflicted himself alike worse, missing the absolute season. Not abandoned is this acutely egocentric and shortsighted, but cipher alike approved to stop him. Not his trainers, teammates, coaches, accepted manager, owner, or agent. Not one actuality said, “Listen, J.J. Don’t annihilate yourself aggravating to acquire your aggrandized paycheck. No charge to bend your anatomy in bisected the amiss way aloof to prove a point.”

Submissions for the Deadspin NFL previews are now closed. Aing up: Seattle Seahawks.

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